| Expressing Feelings - Exercise 1) Awareness of our feelings.
2) Taking responsibility for our feelings, acknowledging our own needs.
3) Willingness to express our feelings.
4) A goal of open communication.
5) Non-defensive expression of our feelings: Guidelines: 1) Avoid overgeneralizations, especially words like always, and never. 2) Don't exaggerate or minimize your feelings. Be accurate in your reporting of how you feel. Don't say "I'm furious," if you're angry or just concerned,or "I'm concerned" if you are really angry or scared, etc. Be genuine. 3) Don't infer motive or evaluate the person. Not: "You procrastinate." Nor: "I'm upset with this late report because you're disorganized." 4) Describe specific behavior. "There are two misspellings in this report." Not "You're a poor writer." 5) Don't use the construction "I feel" when you are expressing what you think, or what your opinions are. "I feel that you should ____." "I feel she is___." 6) Don't blame yourself and don't blame them. Just express your feelings. "I am angry." "I'm feeling blue." Not "You make me angry." 7) Verbalize your needs rather than keep them a mystery that others are somehow expected to meet and/or understand. 8) Avoid labels and slang. "I feel like you're a procrastinator." 9) Avoid negative questioning. "Why don't you care?" 10) [Constructive tone and facial expression.] Which of the following are non-defensive expressions of feelings? Mark Yes = Y, it is Good or No = N, it is Bad, violates guidelines __N__ 1) I'm disappointed because you didn't help me. You just don't care about this project.
The first sentence is not very specific and the second sentence is a judgment stemming from the Fundamental Attribution Bias. __Y__ 2) When you turned the report in two days late, I was disappointed.
Straight forward. What you felt and what the other person did specifically, stated non judgmentally. __N__ 3) You irritate me so. Couldn't you get the report done on time, for Pete's sake?
Very confrontational in tone and blames the other person for your feelings that are your responsibility. __N__ 4) I feel that you could have done this report by Wednesday.
Violates guideline # 5. Say "I think that ... " when expressing opinions, not feelings. __N__ 5) I felt hurt when you ignored me yesterday.
Vague and non-behavioral accusation. What did the person actually do or not do? See #8 below. __N__ 6) Why didn't you say hello to me yesterday?
Negative questioning. Violates guideline # 9 above. __Y__ 7) Because meeting deadlines is an important part of the type of work we do, I feel really upset when the computer system goes down like it did this morning.
Fits all the guidelines and is additionally a good example of leadership -- speaking an organizational mission / purpose as the reason for the complaint. __Y__ 8) When you didn't say hello to me yesterday, I felt hurt.
The two people should now have a constructive discussion about what each other wants.
Because the complaint was expressed non-defensively, higher likelihood that the
discussion will be respectful and that they will look for a win-win solution. __N__ 9) I'm sorry I feel angry, but you didn't do what you promised.
"Extra Credit" question. Although not a violation of any of the above guidelines, it is not generally helpful to apologize for your feelings.
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